Sunday, June 13, 2010

Don't Talk to Me with Your Dick in Your Hand

Silence is necessary at urinals. I don't care who you are, or your rank, while me and you are pissing, we don't talk.

I don't understand the need to chat while pissing. Doesn't seem like a particularly social occasion. Two bulls hanging out, in a bathroom, dicks presented...sure, let's chat about weather. Doesn't seem right.

Just get in there and get out. Treat bathroom trips like a bandit. No reason to do anything else in there except God's dirty work.

I've been trapped a couple of times lately into conversations whilst pissing that I didn't want to be a part of. Sad thing is, how do you shut down a urinal chat?

You can't say, "Dude, not now." Because that opens you up to the whole "Why?" questioning and then you're left explaining the politics of a silent piss to some dude you don't want to talk to in the first place.

You stand there silent after someone entreats you with a conversation started like, "How's it going?" then you're just a jerk for not responding without a least a cursory "Doing good."

Then again, really, if you are going to be cock flangrante next to a complete stranger, maybe asking "How's it going?" isn't a bad plan of attack because if the guy doesn't answer or starts foaming at the mouth or gives you some crazy answer, then you have a clue that you can just hold it. No reason to go pecker-out next to a feller who wants to bite your face or other parts.

It's still awkward though. There are no winners with a urinal conversation. What kind of conversation can really be had then? I mean, if I get asked "How's it going?" and I start crying? How would that guy feel then? Could you piss next to a person you just made cry? Maybe you can, I don't know what type of dude you are, but I don't think so.

Also, come to think of it, the times I've been asking "How's it going?" maybe I've been displaying some disturbing urinal behaviors that I'm unaware of. Like I have a speech tic that I can't hear but some friends have picked up on where I kind of go "Hmm-ss" after some words. It's a kind of half-laugh thing that just happens. I don't hear myself do it and I don't know why it happens, nerves probably. Anyway, maybe when pissing I emit a kind of low wail that's indicative of pain or disease and the people who try to talk to me while peeing are just asking "How's it going?" out of concern.

Then again, even you're in a bathroom and there's a guy pissing making noise, are you really going to stand next to that guy? I could walk into the a bathroom and the President could be in there, but if he's going "Uhhhhhh" the whole time he's peeing, I'm not standing next to that fucking guy. I'm out. I can hold it. I'll sneak into the ladies room. I'll piss in an corner or planter or coffee mug some place. No "How's it going?" question will assuage me of any fears that this guy's fucking cuckoo bananas and I don't want to be prone next to him. He could reach over that urinal wall and karate chop my privates or something. No, I don't think so.

By the way, do you think urinal walls preclude the one-urinal spacing rule? I don't think it does. I love urinal walls and think that all urinals should be equipped with them, however, observing the one-urinal rule is still paramount.

In summation, I just have to saw with all finality that I truly, truly wish no one would talk to me while I'm pissing and I'm at a loss how to make that happen. Maybe if I just pee in stalls then no one would bother me, but then I look like a weirdo who only pees in stalls when really I just want to piss without needing to converse. Is that too much to ask? I don't think it is.


1 comment:

  1. I have to disagree with you a bit here, buddy. I know it's an awkward thing to have someone carry on a conversation with you while pissing, but sometimes, sometimes it's patently obvious that a urinal conversation is of the essence. Case in point: Going through T.A. training at MSU while the vikings were in town. I snuck up to the urinal and found myself hanging brain next to one Mewelde Moore, famous third down back for the Vikings and Steelers. Now, had I not dropped a "How's it going" durning our shared relief period, I would never have known it was going fine for Mr. Moore, nor would I be able to tell the story about my having discussed the finer points of it's going with him over a piss.

    I'm sure he similarly marks that day as fundamental to his development as both an athlete and a man.