58 Percent

I have to weigh 200 pounds of real weight, slicing off my extra skin of course. From my heaviest, that puts me at 42% of my body weight being lost. Just today, I was standing talking to a friend of Emily's at my wrist grazed my ribs. My actual bone ribs. Damnedest thing.

42 percent. That means I'm operating at 58% of what I once was.

I've decreased myself by about half.

I've been thinking about this a lot. Like maybe I've lost some other part of myself in there, too. I don't think I'm that different of a person, just sort of boring now. And I'm tired more often. Oh, yeah, and the hair on top of my head will exist more as rumor and memory than actual fact for the rest of my life.

On Sunday, I was trying to run on a treadmill at my apartment complex. Running has been the one thing that I haven't mastered. I feel in better shape, but I still can't run very well or very long. Treadmill set to about 5.5 miles an hour, yeah, that should get me running and if I do it more often, I will soon consider myself a runner.

However, on Sunday, I get this hiccup in my chest. Not sure what to call it yet. Palpitation seems wrong because I'm not 70 years old. It was irregular in that it throbbed more than usual and a weakness emanated out from my cheat throughout me.

Of course, it panicked me, sending my heart to beat faster, causing one or two more hiccups and that ripple of weakness from my chest out. I calmed down, everything felt better and I biked some instead.

I then went to WebMD. Huge mistake. I just wanted to obtain the language for how to talk about what just happened to me, not be freaked out by something called "aortic regurgitation." Yeah, hearts puke, apparently.

I go there because I want to know what this thing was that I felt. Murmur? Irregular heart beat? Palpitation? Heat attack? I don't know. Then again, what I felt fits aortic regurgitation. Also fits dehydration and about a billion other things. It's not that I found out nothing because I do have an idea that something funny did in fact happen to me, but that's not really specific enough. It's like a toddler telling you that it saw a fuzzy animal at school today. To him, yeah, fuzzy animal, that's a whole new world. But to you, fuzzy animal? That doesn't narrow it down and maybe he's wrong, maybe to this kid, he could be dumb, thinks fuzzy means slimy and he saw a fish.

Anyway, half of me is gone. I had a weird thumping in my chest that I never felt before. I'm north of 30 now. It's all too much, isn't it?

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