Thursday, August 26, 2010

Like These Girls I Knew in High School

This season, my baseball team, the Cardinals, is killing me. At the beginning of the year, at first blush, there was nothing wrong with this team. They were rolling along, winning and then came the injuries, the abysmal hitting, and one stupid trade and here the Cardinals are now, they just look pathetic. I mean, tonight, Randy Winn was batting fifth. Randy fucking Winn? You know he has never been the playoffs? Anybody ever wonder if maybe Randy Winn is cursed? Just saying.

Anyway, back to my analogy in the title because this years Cardinals reminds me a lot of these twin girls I knew in high school, the Flautists (not their real name). They were identical in every way, always seemed cheerful, friendly, and wholesome in that Fellowship of Christian Athlete / chorus (or glee club, I suppose) kind of way. And also, at my first viewing of them, I thought they were okay looking young ladies. That is not to say that I believed they were among the hotties I ogled and nicknamed with friends (oh, the nicknames we had), but the best I could hope to achieve, on the pretty side of things.

But they Flautists were always kind of derided and made fun of, though I didn't understand why, I mean, they seemed all right to me. Then I got a closer look. They sort of clomped when the walked, like their ankles didn't bend. They were a little thicker than some, but I didn't mind that, that's no big deal, I mean I was (and am, thank you) fat, so whatever, no judging there. But...they had arm hair thicker than mine. A kind of starter kit uni-brow. A dark-haired lady mustache.

So, I thought....Oooohhh, I get it now. That's why people didn't think they were pretty at all. How could I have missed that? I mean, they've been wearing short sleeves all year long, why did it take me so long to notice? Huh.

A better person would have maybe reevaluated their concepts of beauty. I, at the time, lacking a sense of enlightenment was just disappointed in myself for being fooled. How dare I think they were good-looking-enough-to-be-attainable-by-fatty-pimply-me...they've got mustaches!...what was I thinking. These Flautists are hideous. Sure, I never actually talked to them, but still...I had duped myself into believing something that's not true about these girls. And sports fan, there is no enlightenment or betterment through reevaulation. There is no higher plane of wins and loses. It's all hormones and id and junk like that. It's wins. It's losses.

Which leads me to the Cardinals. What was I thinking that Loshe would be good this year...that Molina, Ryan, & Schumaker would repeat their performances....that Matt Holliday wouldn't wilt like hot spinach when he's needed to perfom...that Brad Penny would stay healthy...that they wouldn't trade Ryan Ludwick for Jake could I have missed all that? How could I have missed that mustachioed lady? It's all just so ugly.

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